Resentment: Unspoken & Spoken
Resentment arises when you feel like another person isn’t showing up in the way you want; when another person isn’t meeting your unspoken and spoken expectations. But regardless if these feelings arise because you’ve spoken your truth or not, resentment is exhausting, disconnecting, limiting, and it can be a narrative-forming, bias-confirming experience.
More often than not, it’s the unspoken expectations that drive resentment. It’s when you don’t communicate truthfully, clearly, or openly. It’s when you pretend things are okay or acceptable when they’re not. It’s when you present yourself as unaffected when you truly are affected.
In the past, there were times I would let resentment build just to prove a narrative I had created for myself about always having to do things on my own. I would let resentment build because I had convinced myself that if I always remain easy going, I’ll never be disliked. I would let resentment build because I wanted to avoid conflict and confrontation.
In time, I learned that none of these things are actually true—I do need help from others and I can’t do it all on my own; voicing my needs does not make me unlikeable, it’s actually very helpful for others; managing conflict can strengthen and improve a relationship. They were tough lessons to learn but extremely valuable ones.
Reminder: Would I rather deal with the temporary discomfort that comes with being honest and open, or the long-term resentment of knowing I didn’t honor my true self?
There are also times when spoken expectations can lead to resentment—when you communicate honestly and openly but another person remains immovable and unchangeable.
And while you can never convince or force someone to change, you can let go of the image you hold of them. You can let go of the time and energy you spend wishing they would show up differently. You can let go of living in the ‘what if’ or the ‘if only’ states. You can manage your interactions and enforce stronger boundaries. You can grieve the loss and say goodbye to what could’ve been with that person. And you can remember that what you tried and hoped for with them is something you can create with someone else.
Reminder: You cannot change others but you can change the way you relate to them not changing.